Amends II

A new beginning

It’s funny, I am laying here at 3:35 in the a.m. writing this and thinking how funny this has been. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying the idea or process was funny ha-ha, but instead funny in the way that the unexpected happens. I started this little journey to rid myself of some baggage, make myself happier and hopefully give some others a chance to say what they thought about my why, how, when and where’s of my past actions. When I started writing the first post I thought I had done all I was going to do but realized while typing that I needed to apologize to three more people before I could consider my job done. It was not easy for me to say what I wanted without having to search for the words, even though I had gone over what I was going to say in my head prior to apologizing.

That is exactly what I did and things in my life have improved drastically. As it turns out there was a common theme or maybe I should say reaction from everyone that I made my amends with. Not one of them remembered things that I did being as bad as I did. So, it would seem that all those bad things I have carried with me were more about me than them. It was more about how I knew what I was doing or saying at the time was wrong. It was about saying I’m sorry and getting that weight off me. It has made a noticeable difference in me. Even before the last few people my wife noticed how much happier I was and how much tighter our connection had become.

I know how crazy or unlikely it sounds that just saying I’m sorry can make you feel so different, but that is what it has done for me. It has also allowed me to reconnect with some friends and family members that may or may not be blood but are an ingrained part of me and always will be. I should also note that not one of these people ever gave up on me, even when I abandoned them. They have shown me kindness and seem truly happy to be reconnected or to just know that my connection to them is stronger. I have gotten back a friend of the truest kind, a sister without whom I am incomplete. My connection to my wife and mom seem stronger and better to me than ever before. So, while it may not work for everyone, for me it has greatly improved my life.

P.S.

I should point out that I did not apologize to every person with whom I have been hurtful or mean in my life as some people deserve exactly what they get. This was about the ones that did not.

Until my next post, live, love and be happy with yourself or kiss my ass I am going to be happy either way.

Recently I realized that I was carrying a lot of baggage on my conscience. I would have these horrific nightmares about how I had ruined Peoples lives. I had no idea if it was true or just one of the voices in my head trying to get me to do something stupid to myself. However, I had some serious time on my hands to figure my problems with other people. No, that is wrong. It was not my problems with other people but instead how I had hurt some people along my life’s journey. I am not the kind of person that usually says he’s sorry.My philosophy has always been that if I said it I meant it at the time.

So with the help of Facebook I was able to reconnect with some of these people and apologize for any hurt I may have caused them. I still have a few to go, but I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my entire being. It is not important for them to accept my apology, although it is nice, but for me to make the effort to say how truly sorry I am. Now I still have a couple of people to apologize to and that is coming really fast, but I can only hope that it goes as well with the last 2 people as it has with the others that I have already spoken with.

You know I was raised in a time when men were suppose to be men. You take no shit, say exactly what was on your mind and to hell with other people’s feelings. You were never supposed to whine or cry, just suck it up buttercup and move along. I did it pretty well for these first 47 years, but I have seen how you can take someones ability to believe in themselves by saying the wrong thing or making somebody else feel like something you did was their fault or they caused it to happen.

I do not know if the last 2 will go as good as the first ones, but I can hope and know that I finally tried to do the right thing. I am also safe in the knowledge that saying your sorry does not make you less of a man, but more of a man and a better one. My wife even noticed the difference in me, She says that I seem happier and we are clicking better.  Well I have to go for now, but I will let you know how everything goes, oh and by the way connecting with the others to make my amends was great as I found out I still have friends who care.

 

Best Wishes for your futures

Blane O.