A while back I reposted or if you prefer shared a post that was put on Facebook (FB) about people and their ability to help or be blind to those with mental issues. They were talking about how just taking the time to talk to them can help, but I am here to say that if you do not really mean it, people will know and that’s just a sucky feeling. I would prefer that if you do not care that you just move on and leave me to my own problems. Be who you are, even if that is an asshole. After all it was Mahatma Gandhi who said:

‘It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence”. In other words, be true to who you are instead of faking being somebody you are not.

You see I have some mental issues that have made it hard for me to make any long-lasting connections, which is why even as a kid I prefered hanging out with older adults. This is not to say that I don’t like my friends and/or family, but that those deep emotional connections that people make with others tend to elude my grasp for the most part. I learned at a young age how to fake being like others. How to react in the correct way to things people said, or problems they shared with me. This is also why I hung out with people older than me a lot. This is not to say that I do or do not think that some things that happen to people are horrible or great, but it is to say that I cannot empathize with them. I cannot share that emotion with them. While faking it makes others feel better, for me it has made for a life that seems a lot longer and more difficult than it truly has been or needed to be.

Please understand that I do care in my own way. I know that my friends and or family are going to read this and think I am horrible or ungrateful for there love and caring, but that is not true. I just do not process things the same way. Now I have never shared this with many other people, as to not seem like a bad friend or family member. However, at some point in life you must accept who you are and what this life has done both to and for you. I have been very good at faking being what people needed me to be for them, however, from here on out, so that I may be happier, there will be no more pretending. Now, would people being more understanding of this help me, probably not. Would their wanting to talk to me about it improve either of our lives, no. So I do not need you to understand who I am or what I think or feel.

I do believe that if there was a deeper understanding of life itself within the human race, we would be better off. However I am going to leave it at that for now, cause if you knew how I really think or how my thought process worked. How or what the thoughts are that run through my mind, you would run in horror and think that I am a monster or at the least a terrible human being. You would also want to know how anybody could be thinking about doing those things to them selves or others. So if it seems like I do not care, just know that I do, but if you think I am not sharing my feelings with you, than you are correct. You see my crazy runs all the way to the bone.

Now I share my real life with you, not for your sympathy, if I wanted that I would look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. I share this so that the next time you tell someone how great or horrific something that happened to you was and for a second, the look on their face is one of I do not care or I do not understand, before the correct facial expression is shown it may be a larger problem and you should not take it personally. Also before I stop this train of thought, if for some reason I just disappear for a few months, days or weeks and show back up like nothing happened, you do not want to know where I have been or what was going on in my head that made me go down the rabbit hole. Just know that it had nothing to do with you, but it was a process my mind had to go through to get me to the other side of something.

Usually, for me, it means that I was unable to keep from going down the rabbit hole to the darkest places in my soul and thoughts, but the fact that I showed back up is a good sign that I was able to crawl back out once again. It is hard to explain how it happens but imagine, if you can, the following. You are just walking down the street and all of a sudden something grabs you and pulls you down to the deepest part of an abandoned well and now you have to get past the fear and thoughts of death to climb back up and out of there, now if you can imagine that, then you might be able to imagine a little part of how I feel when it happens. Nobody tells you this, because on average we are ashamed that it happened to us and that it will happen again. Some of you will recognize this in yourself while others can’t and thank God never will and please know that no matter how much I want to, I will never be able to fully explain what caused it to happen, when it did.

However, one thing that I do see and hear that bothers me is other peoples opinions about this subject. I have many times heard people, people I like and respect say things that make no sense. I recently heard a person I worked with, who was talking about someone they knew that committed suicide, talk about how stupid he must have been. He went on for days about how stupid it was to commit suicide, that nothing was ever that bad and how it just cannot be possible to feel so low that you want to die. Most people don’t have a fucking clue how it feels or what it is like, hell we can’t explain to you either or what is causing it to happen most of the time. You have no idea wether they have a chemical imbalance or had a horrible childhood, by the way, I had a really good upbringing. My Mom made sure I never needed for anything even when she had to go without. Between my Mom and my Stepdad I never felt unloved or unwanted, so there goes your idea about me having a bad childhood and that is what has caused this. No. My Mom and Stepdad were great, my Dad was ok, my grand parents treated me like I was some kind of special diamond in the sky, as I am their only grandson on that side of the family.

You do not have a clue, nor does the medical system at large, know what has caused the process of creating a brain that wants to hurt itself, but you should actually be happy that it wants to turn the violence inward instead of outward towards others. Like I said I am not looking for your sympathy or your help, I would be happy if you just kept your fucking mouth shut about things you know nothing about. This is just how I feel, as I can’t and don’t want to speak for everyone. I thought you could use just a few things to think about before you speak.

P.S.

I’m sorry if this seems a little brash or harsh to you, or maybe I’m not.